Don't Forget About Kate

Dave Law's below post made reference to a Mara family member losing his sh*t after last week's loss. Well, I'm frankly disappointed with my fellow member of The Big Three (Two? What gives Big Swingin' D?). No mention of the Mara Family is complete without a detailed discussion of the ripest fruit of Wellington's loins, his granddaughter Kate Mara.

This delectible vixen (at right), best known to Giants fans for singing the national anthem after her grandfather's passing, is making her way in the world today as an actress. She is currently starring in the new Matthew McConaughey flick "We are Marshall." Her role? Head cheerleader (duh).

She also had a bit role in Brokeback Mountain, and is slated to appear in 2007 opposite Mark Wahlberg and Ben Kingsley (among others).

We here at The Golden Spike would officially like to offer Ms. Mara our best wishes for a very Golden 2007.

(Golden Nugget: Though blessed with the regal Mara name, Kate has the blood of two storied franchises running through her adorable veins -- her great granddad on the non-Giants side is legendary Steelers founder Art Rooney. Though TGS supports the Giants (and to some extent the Jets), The Big Three will grudgingly admit a respect for the defending Super Bowl Champions.)

State of Grace

This holiday season we've tragically witnessed 2 high-profile deaths. Although there is a theory that the death rate always spikes around the holidays, such losses are always a shock. President Gerald Ford died yesterday and James "The Godfather of Soul" Brown died on Christmas Day. In addition to being a President, Gerald Ford was an iron man center (he went both ways) for two national champion Michigan football teams and won MVP honors one year as well. Coming out of college, Ford could have played in the NFL but the pay was chicken feed (to borrow an era-appropriate phrase) back then and there was no fame associated with such a profession. So, President Ford wisely elected instead to continue his education and become an IVY LEAGUE LAWYER. Ford went on to pardon Richard Nixon, who really didn't do anything wrong in the first place.

James Brown was a a magnificent entertainer who will always have a special place in our hearts for his patriotically garish rendition of Living in America from Rocky IV. That song is of course a part of the greatest soundtrack compilation ever - The Rocky Story - and as such, is still an integral part of Dave Law's gym motivation.

Both of these great Americans will be lying in state during this week prior to being interred. President Ford will be lying in the rotunda of the Capitol Building (GOLDEN NUGGET: A capitol, with an "o", is the building in which a state legislative body meets, or in which the functions of state government are carried out. When capitalized, the word Capitol refers only to the Washington, DC building in which Congress meets.).

James Brown will be lying in the Apollo Theatre in Harlem. That's right the FAMOUS APOLLO THEATRE! IN HARLEM!

A horse-drawn, white carriage lay idle in front of Rev. Al Sharpton's
National Action Network headquarters at 145th Street and Lenox Avenue. Two horses with white feather plumes waited to ferry Brown's body through Harlem and to the famed Apollo Theatre, where he first performed half a century ago.

How's that for pride, pomp and circumstance? A horse-drawn carriage? Feather plumes? After pulling myself up off the floor, I thought about this and it is entirely appropriate for James Brown.

Dave Law has determined that he will lie in state at the rostra or the curia in the Roman Forum.

Where would you like to lie in state when your time comes? Feel free to indulge your own delusions of granduer in our comments section.

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TEXAS BOWL-ING

Rutgers will battle Kansas State in the Texas Bowl tonight on the NFL Network. Kansas State? The Jayhawks? No that's U of Kansas. So, who the hell is Kansas St? We don't know and we're too lazy to google them for you this time - do it yourself. The big news here is that up until last Saturday only half of the population of NJ was going to have access to this game on TV (Dave Law was not among that half). This is all because Cablevision and the NFL Network are engaged in a pissing contest and as usual the fans/subscribers suffer. Fortunately for all involved, the two parties have managed to tuck their junk away during this holiday season long enough for Cablevision to carry the Texas Bowl tonight.

Of course Dave Law still has no idea whether he'll be able to watch the Giants-Redskins game on Saturday. It's only the functional equivalent of a playoff game!

* * *

AND HILARITY ENSUED...

Speaking of the crummy Giants, an heir of the late great Wellington Mara blitzed a co-worker after the Giants' loss to Philly two weeks ago.

"Mara started screaming, 'I'm gonna f- - -ing kill you! Don't f- - - around with my family! Don't insult my family!'

Apparently, Stephen (with a "ph") Mara is a better tackler than anyone currently on the Giants roster. Suit him up!

Censored Version

Being the good bloggers that we are, we spent our valuable (billable in the cases of BT and BSD) time rooting around the internet for the broadcast version of "D!@# in a Box", so that you don't have to. Here it is on another page at NBC's site. Now you the reader can decide for yourself if you prefer the broadcast version or the uncensored version.

NBC Crack Down

Unfortunately, NBC pulled all copies of "D!@# in a Box" from YouTube. The uncensored version can still be found here on NBC's website. As IVY-LEAGUE educated attorneys we here at TGS understand NBC's need to aggressively protect its intellectual property. However, the bleeped version is much funnier than the actual cursing. It's a shame.

NBC has other holiday classics on their site as well - like this old chestnut. We recognize that most of our readers are fairly unproductive around this time of year anyway. So, take a break from your last-minute online shopping and see if you can resist Pete's Schweddy Balls. We sure can't.

Special Christmas Dedication from BT to LT


Also, Dave Law now knows what to deliver to a certain apartment in Trump Place this holiday season.

(CAVEAT: Although this video is "censored" and technically safe for viewing at work, you would do well to close your office door and keep the volume low.)

Pygmy Marmoset

This guy cracks me up! Apparently he's a pygmy marmoset. (hence the title of the post)


* * *


Miss USA has been sentenced to rehab by The Donald. If I can find out where he's sending her, I may develop a substance abuse problem in the near future that requires me to check into the same facility. Although I haven't yet discovered the location of this secret rehab clinic, I have learned quite a bit from following Miss Conner's ordeal. For example, another testament to The Donald's genius, Trump houses Miss USA, Miss Teen USA and Miss Universe in the same NYC apartment during their respective reigns. My extensive fact-checking turned up this "golden nugget" of gossip:

Conner has been caught in a sizzling smooch with Miss Teen USA Katie Blair, an 18-year-old who partied with Conner at Chelsea club Ultra on Dec. 8. The two share a Trump Place pad with Miss Universe Zleyka Rivera on the upper West Side.

How'd you like to be their pizza delivery guy (or whatever beauty queens order when they binge and purge)?

Friday Afternoon Fun

At the risk of Stealing Big Swingin' D's thunder (and really, how could I steal someone else's thunder?), here is a pretty good list of the 50 greatest commercials of the 80s. About the only thing missing is the "Where's the Beef" lady...

It's funny when old people drive.

TGS Announces

Big news, Spikeheads! In an effort to deliver fresh, Spike-worthy material on a more regular basis (and to bring more Ivy League educated lawyers into the fold), the Big Two are expanding! Please join me in welcoming Big Swingin' D as our new contributing member. Big Swingin' D is an expert on North Jersey, Soccer, the Jersey shore, Terrapin athletics, Calzones, Judaism, and much, much more!

The Big Two has officially become ... The Big Three!

Thunderupdate: 06 in '07*

[Spikeditors note: BT has foolishly vowed to complete 6 half marathons during 2007.]

At t-61 days until the my first half-marathon, I've started to pick up the pace with my running. And by "pick up the pace," I don't mean "pick up the pace of my runs." Rather, I mean "run more." Dreadfully early on Thanksgiving morn, Lil' Thunder and I rolled out to Ocean Beach for a turkey trot. I know I'm supposed to say it was a merry way to start the holiday. It wasn't. It sucked. First off, it was a six miler. I haven't run that far yet, and for good reason - I'm fat and out of shape. But the real killer was the fact that the first half was run on the beach. I'm sorry, but if you enjoy running on the beach, you must be some kind of masochist. It was f'ing torture. The three miles of running & walking on the beach must have taken me 45 minutes. Not to mention the homoerotic overtones when the heavyweight champ and I raced (see above video).** The only positive of the beach running was that once I got on solid ground, I felt like a Kenyan. I was flying (comparatively)!

The following sunday, Lil' Thunder and I rolled to Golden Gate Park for another organized run. This one just a 5-K. It may have been the 22 servings of pumpkin cheesecake that I had consumed over the previous 3 days, but the run was way more difficult than any 5-K should be. Part of the problem is that during these races, I try to keep up with the crowd. I need to just admit that I am really slow. But its just so depressing halfway through when 11 year old girls go bounding by me as if they were on pogo sticks (seriously, tons of middle-school aged kids beat me). Oh well, good to be out.

One major problem that I have to remedy soon is that I'm having trouble getting in regular runs during the week. My plan is to run 30-45 minutes twice during the work week (usually closer to the upper end of that range) with one long run every weekend. Unfortunately, work gets in the way (incidentally, in case I haven't mentioned it before, I'm a lawyer - an Ivy League educated lawyer at that). Last week I didn't run at all during the week. Which made my Sunday run more surprising. I went out and ran 5 miles - my longest training run to date - and felt great. I could have gone a mile or two more...

Training notes:

Longest run - 5-ish miles

Weight - still way up there (I think - I haven't weighed myself in ages). I need to start eating right soon.

Injuries - during sunday's run, I tweaked my right calf, though it seems to be fine now. Let's hope it doesn't linger.

Outlook - Sunny. In fine shape for now, though I need to get my routine down (and also to be sure to get my runs in over the holidays).







*The author sincerely hopes that the Spike's readership finds this post to to be sufficiently Giant Panda Vagina-free.

**I think it can be safely assumed that I will include the above video clip in every update post for the next year. Screw that - I might just include that clip in every post, period. Note how Apollo totally let's Rocky win. "I'm not gay ... but my sparring partner is..." Don't forget that Rocky Balboa comes out December 22.