Video Tuesday

The latest highlights on the 'tube.  FROM THE START, BE WARNED THAT THEY ALL HAVE "COLORFUL" LANGUAGE.

These two are required viewing for anyone who considers himself to have a sense of humor.  Sarah Silverman dropped a bombshell on her long time beau, Jimmy Kimmell:

Not too be outdone, Jimmy responds by hitting Sarah -- and Matt -- right where it hurts:

As an unabashed Sarah Silverman fan, I'll use these videos as an excuse to post another.  Here she is on Leno:

Finally, a couple of Bud Light commercials that apparently haven't made the air.  The first one, for some reason, just makes me think that Big Swingin' D would love it.

As for the second one, well, I just like people getting bleeped. Its high comedy.

Hollywood is Dumb

The title is meant to be read in the voice of Dark Helmet, when he says, "Evil will always triumph, because Good ... is dumb."

But I digress. Hollywood is dumb. Why is Hollywood dumb? Because, according to MSNBC, the top 10 highest paid actresses in Hollywood are as follows:

1. Reese Witherspoon
2. Angeline Jolie
3. Cameron Diaz
4. Nicole Kidman
5. Renee "Jewel" Zellweger
6. Sandra Bullock
7. Julia Roberts
8. Drew Barrymore
9. Jodie Foster
10. Halle Berry

(As a sidenote, I obviously went out of my way to find bad pictures of these actresses, by doing Google searches like "Angelina Jolie ugly" and "Nicole Kidman ugly." But for Drew Barrymore, all it took was "Drew Barrymore." Seriously. Also, there's no such thing as a bad pic of Halle Berry. I gave up searching.)

What do these ten have in common? Aside from the fact that they've never been in my kitchen, they all share a major trait - their inclusion in a movie's cast will make me 0% more likely (and in the cases of Witherspoon, Kidman, Zellweger, Roberts and Barrymore, significantly less likely) to see that movie.

My opinion must be anomalistic, right? Surely, these ladies bring in the box office bucks (which is frankly the only reason to pay them so much), right? Let's look at their movies released in 2006 & 2007.

1. RW - Rendition ($10 million gross)

2. AJ - A Mighty Heart ($9 million); the Good Shephard ($60 million, but note that she starred opposite Matt Damon, and this was the only of his last four movies to make under $115 million. Also starring Robert DeNiro)

3. CD - The Holiday ($60 million) (I refuse to count cartoons)

4. NK - Margot at the Wedding ($2 million); the Invasion ($15 million)

5. RZ - Miss Potter ($3 million)

6. SB - Premonition ($48 million); Infamous ($1 million); The Lake House ($52 million)

7. JR - Charlie Wilson's War ($66 million, but second billed to Tom Hanks. 14 of Hanks' last 19 films have grossed $100 million.)

8. DB - Lucky You ($6 million); Music & Lyrics ($51 million)

9. JF - The Brave One ($36 million); Inside Man ($89 million, billed 3rd behind Denzell Washington and Clive Owen)

10. HB - Things We Lost in the Fire ($3 million); Perfect Stranger ($24 million); X-Men: Geeks Beat Off ($234 million).

As of 2003, the average budget for an Oscar nominated film was $66 million. Let's presume that Oscar-worthy films cost more than the average film (a presumption that I'm guessing is false), and let's also presume that there has been no inflation in the last 5 years (a presumption I know is false). So let's say that the average budget of a major motion picture is $60 million.

If that is the case, then the 18 films made by the top ten actresses break down as such:

- 8 of 18 (44%) grossed less than 15 million, meaning a loss of at least $45 million for the studio.

- 15 of 18 (83%) failed to make a profit

- 3 of 18 (17%) made a profit. Those three were Charlie Wilson's war, starring Tom Hanks, who must be the most successful box office draw of our generation; Inside Man, where Jodie Foster is billed third behind Denzell Washington and Clive Owen; and X-Men, which has a loyal following of nerds who would go if the movie starred Kirstie Alley.



So who is making money? Franchises. 6 of the top 10 movies in 2007 were franchises (Spider Man, Shrek, Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter, Bourne, and National Treasure). Also movies that are cartoons or ostensibly children's movies. The top 12 included Spider Man, Shrek, Transformers, Harry Potter, Alvin & the Chipmunks, Ratatouille and the Simpsons.

If you ignore those two categories, these were the highest grossing movies of 2007:

1. I am Legend
2. 300
3. Wild Hogs(!)
4. Knocked Up
5. American Gangster
6. Juno
7. Superbad
8. I know Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
9. Blades of Glory
10. Ghost Rider

In 2006, the list looks like this:

1. The DaVinci Code
2. The Pursuit of Happyness
3. Talledega Nights
4. Click
5. The Departed
6. Borat
7. Devil Wears Prada
8. The Breakup
9. Dreamgirls
10. Failure to Launch

Of those 20 movies, how many lead actors or actresses drew people to the theaters on their own? I'd argue the list is Will Smith (I am Legend, Pursuit of Happyness), Denzell Washington (American Gangster), Michael Cera (Juno & Superbad - just kidding - sort of), Adam Sandler (Click & Chuck & Larry), Will Ferrell (Blades & Talledega Nights), and Borat (Borat). The only actresses who could even make an argument are Aniston in the Breakup, SJ Parker in Failure to Launch, and Meryl Streep in Devil Wears Prada. And all three are big reaches.

So here's my simple Econ lesson for Hollywood executives. Unless you want to run your business like the New York Knicks, spend your money as follows:

(1) Franchises. Full of adventure, and with as many episodes as possible.
(2) Animation / children. And don't waste your money on voices. Spend it on Pixar.
(3) Will Smith, Denzell Washington, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell and Tom Hanks.
(4) Jessica Biel.

That is all.

Noah's Ark

The following is a cut and paste job from a chain email that's being circulated among the real estate development community. This modern parable is a twist on the "Evan Almighty" story and provides a sense of the regulatory and political challenges that the real estate industry faces.

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in the United States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans"

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning
laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder andasked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Taste in Music, and how it changes

My parents are getting ready to retire and move away from the house of my youth. It is depressing but times must change. Everytime I visit now, my father has a box of my old stuff that he tries to put in my car when I am not looking. Last trip home it was a box of old cassettes. After going through the box and throwing away most it, I came across some mixed tapes I made.

Here is an example.

"Spring Break Mix march 1996"

Side A

1. Lose - (?)

2. Bob - Primus

3. This Time of year - Better than Ezra

4. Shade - Silverchair

5. All in theGroove -Blues Traveler

6. Sober - Tool

7. Galaxy - Blind Melon

8. Insane in the Brain - Cypress Hill

9. Friend of the Devil - Greatful Dead

10. Grind - Alice in Chains

11. Feed the Tree - Belly

12. River of Deceit - Mad Season

Side B

1. Silent Lucidity - Queensrych

2. Time - Pink Floyd

3. Ironic - Alanis Morrisette

4. Someday Never Comes - CCR

5. Jane Says - Jane's Addiction

6. Shout - Tears For Fears

7. Cry in the Sun - Better than Ezra

Talk about all over the place. I guess Alanis Morrisette and Belly fit right in there with Tool, Silverchair, and Primus. I'll bet some of the older ones are even better.