The Softer Side of The Spike

This clip was adorable enough to tug at our callous heart strings here at TGS. It's safe for consumption at work and it's better with sound.

Cosmo?

In case you missed it, Michael Richards (a.k.a. Kramer), had a meltdown of epic proportions this weekend after being heckled while doing standup in L.A. Unfortunately (for him) it was all caught on tape. The video is astounding, and I'm actually surprised that he didn't get physically attacked by the audience...

Thundersez: 06 in '07

The problem: BT is out of shape. Badly out of shape. As in, worse than usual.

The solution: BT gets off his butt and runs. Runs like the wind!

The problem with that solution: BT is lazy, and will likely abandon such a plan within weeks, if not days.

The solution to the problem with that solution: Peer pressure!

Therefore, consider this an official, Golden Spike-endorsed announcement:

BT will successfully train for and complete six half-marathons during 2007.

There. It has been said. It can't be removed (well, except for blogger's editing function, with which I technically could remove it). Everyone (well, both of you) who reads this blog will know this and hold me to it. The goal is to get to the point where I am in consistently good enough shape to be able to just go out some random day and take a long (8+ mile) run without too much difficulty. That conditioning would certainly mean that I'm much healthier than I am currently.

This is the first in a series of "06 in '07" posts, where I will keep the Spikeheads up to date on the latest training and results. To start with, some background - despite my considerable girth, I have actually run two half-marathons (my college motto? "Run like an antelope, shaped like a cantaloupe"). The first was in from Napa to Sonoma, and the second was around Monterey, CA. For neither did I properly train (and in fact, I walked about half of the 12th mile of the Monterey race). Though I don't recall the exact numbers, I know I finished each around the 2:15 mark, which is very slow.

So in the coming year, I will run one race every 2 months or so. The first is on February 7 in San Francisco, around the Golden Gate park area. The goal for the first? To complete it without any breaks. That should be easily attainable. In subsequent races, I'm going to start developing time goals, to ensure that I improve my performance from race to race.

Since making the 06 in '07 decision, I've gone on a few basic 3-milers , and in just the 3 or 4 times out, can already feel significant improvement. I need to get consistent in my scheduling, though, to be sure that I get at least 3 runs in per week, with one of them being a long run.

That's it for the first 06 in '07 report. More to come, likely next month.


Now back to your regularly-scheduled Spike

Say you're a lawyer. Perhaps even an Ivy League-edumacated lawyer like Dave Law and myself. You're representing a crook. Wouldn't it be best if you choose not to dress him like a bad guy in a cartoon? Especially a character who's last name isn't too far from your client's last name? Don't get me wrong, I understand that he's completely guilty, but its like he is advertising his guilt.

Say what you will about the adult film industry (and really, there is a lot to say), but the bottom line is that there are some very talented writers in the industry that come up with hilarious movie titles as plays on "legit" movie names. We all fondly recall "Shaving Ryan's Privates," "Sorest Rump," "Sperms of Endearment," and "White Men Can't Hump." Well, the other day, while listening to Loveline on my drive home from work, I heard my new favorite: "If These Balls Could Talk." For whatever reason, I laugh every time I think of it. Brilliant! Incidentally, while doing some "research" for this post, I came across a funny site that lists all of these names.

Finally, time to do a complete 180 and bring up a serious - and very interesting - story. At a UVA frat party in 1984, a little too much booze was flowing. One of the frat brothers took a freshman girl back to his room, and, while the details of what happened are in dispute, he raped her. Fast forward to 2005, when the guy is in Alcoholics Anonymous. When he reaches Step 9 - making amends with the people you've hurt - he contacts his victim of 21 years earlier. Now he's going to prison for the crime. The article is compelling and thought-provoking. I'm interesting to hear reactions from our loyal readers. I'll give mine in the comments section a little later.

Holiday Hype!

TGS is most excited by the pre-product launch hype surrounding the new WonderBra Multiplunge Bra this holiday season! What marketing genius came up with name "Multiplunge" anyway? It's retardly erotic!

PacMan Fever 2006 (a/k/a PS3 Herpes)

Playstation 3 fever is sweeping the nation. The cutting edge gaming platform is being released tomorrow and gaming addicts are camping out in front of Best Buys everywhere. Can you blame them? That machine is sexy! You could hump that controller! Well, not really...


We do know some people cooler than ourselves who have already gotten their hands on one of the machines. Sopranos aficiandos will recall last season's episode where Christopher went to Hollywood to pitch his movie to Ben Kingsley and ended up at a product party where the marketers were giving away great products. (Christopher jacked Lauren Bacall in the same episode.) Those product give away parties do happen. Dave Law's fraternity brother is an aspiring actor in LALA land who’s good friends with fellow UVa alum Benjamin McKenzie of “The OC” fame. Ben went to the product launch for the PS3, was given one for free and he re-gifted it to Dave Law's friend.

That variety of re-gifting is perfectly acceptable.

We'd like to hear from our readers what over-hyped product or movie your most excited about this holiday season. PS3? Nintendo Michelle Wii? Casino Royale? Rocky VI? Tickle Me Elmo TMX? Furby 2006?

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In Sports, UVa knocked Bucknell out of the NCAA soccer tournament in a 4-0 drubbing last night in Char-vegas. This was first appearance in the tournament for the Bison since 1976. Congratulations to the Patriot League Champs on their fine season. Since BT attended Bucknell and Dave Law went to UVa this game had special significance here at TGS. Especially since these schools rarely face each other.

Virginia will face 13th seeded California this Saturday in round 3 of the tournament. Go 'Hoos!

Also in sports news, ORAL ROBERTS... we think we heard that they beat Kentucky in mens BB or something. Really we just like writing ORAL ROBERTS. he he he...

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Happy Birthday to Dave Law's brother Mike Engineer. TGS would also like to wish a happy birthday to loyal Spikers Michael Z and A-nonymous. Click on your name for your personalized birthday treats courtesy of TGS.

Ed Hochuli Facts

In the spririt of Chuck Norris Facts, a brilliant phenomenon of the internet age, we are introducing Ed Hochuli Facts here on the Spike. Ed Hochuli is without question the badest (in the Michael Jackson sense), crime-fighting referee in the NFL (his secret identity allows him to practice law by day). Ed's authoritative no-nonsence approach to officiating is the number 1 argument that there is no need for instant replay in the NFL. To kick things off, here's our first Ed Hochuli Fact:

1. Ed Hochuli collects stray pubic hairs from his shower drain and recycles them into steel wool.

Please add your own Ed Hochuli Fact in our comments section.

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ALSO...

• Congratulations to the UVa and Cornell basketball teams who both started their seasons off with (relatively) impressive wins. The Cavaliers beat tenth ranked Arizona 93-90 at home in the brand-spanking new John Paul Jones arena. When it comes to UVa hoops you have to appreciate the early wins because historically the wheels come off once conference play begins. UNC will be tough this year and Duke is still top 20. Big Red (Bears) beat Northwestern away 64-61 and followed it up with a home victory over Stony Brook.

• Kara Homes, a competitor of Dave Law's employer, was granted a temporary reprieve by the bankruptcy court in Trenton yesterday when it was allowed to reorganize under Chapter 11 of the US Bankruptcy Code. 'Round here we were all pulling for Chapter 7 liquidation. That's the way Ed Hochuli would have ruled - no mercy.

• Finally, in a brief edition of Against the Law, I'd like to express my disgust with SI writer Peter King. Peter King has never been objective. He loves to weave his personal opinions into articles - for example, everything he writes in NY-centric, he's a NY Giants cheerleader, he's carrying the banner for Tiki Barber to get to Canton, most recently he started his Monday Morning Quarterback Column with over a page of Rutgers fluff. This is tolerable since he's a sports columnist. (I also tolerate his slant b/c I'm from NJ. I don't think I could stand him if I lived in another sports market) Towards the end of his MMQB column King writes, "Last Tuesday sure was a good day, wasn't it?". There's an expression that shock-jocks Opie & Anthony use often: "You don't go to CNN for dick jokes so don't come to us for news." King is a sports writer. I don't want or appreciate political commentary mixed in with my sports news (no matter how brief the commentary is). King is not a political pundit. All this accomplishes is to inflame the sensibilities of his readers who don't share his politics. He's alienating his own audience. That's why slipping political commentary into a sports column is AGAINST THE LAW!

The End of the World?

Rutgers, the state university of New Jersey, beat Louisville (#3) 28-25. Last Knight (pun) they had a reason to protect their football goalposts with a ring of men in yellow jackets and by Monday they'll have a top 10 football team. I'm speachless - man alive, what a game!






Sacha Baron Cohen has the top grossing movie in America (not just the number 1 comedy - the number 1 movie overall). In a case of high comedy life imitating high comedy art, Mr. Cohen is being sued by 2 fraternity members who feel as though they were cast in a disparaging light in the film. These lack-wits got drunk, made some typical-frat-guy racist and sexist comments on camera and probably thought they would earn BMOC status at their backwater South Carolina school because of it. Instead they're being vilified and want to be financially compensated for it. Sometimes I hate lawyers, too.




Doogie Howser is gay. Apparently, the "outing" of gay celebrities is now appropriately referred to as "lancing" - a term coined after the outing of 'N Sync's own Lance Bass. I don't know how to squeeze all of the comedic juice out of this latest celebrity lancing so, recognizing my limitations, I'm going to tag out and let BT do some work in the squared-circle.

Menace II Hoboken

Early Sunday morning (i.e. after midnight Saturday), a fight broke out on the main boulevard in Hoboken, Washington Street. This was more than your typical meat-head street fight designed to impress a local silicone Sally with beer muscles (or clever choreography). 2 men were stabbed during this skirmish. According to the police, this 20-man brawl predominantly featured the Hoboken-based chapter of the bloods gang. Are you kidding me? The Bloods? In Hoboken? Now we'll never get Snoop to play the Whiskey Bar (he's a Crip).

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Golden Nugget for 11/9/2006

Did you know there’s a town in Brazil called Varginha? Apparently some alien crashed there or something. (Here's a link, if you're into conspiracy theories and such). I can’t get over the name – and it’s in BRAZIL of all places.

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Book Report

I just finished reading "Spin," a novel by Robert Charles Wilson. I give the book 3 stars out of 5. "Spin" is what some call "hard science fiction". Hard science fiction provokes and encourages the reader to reflect upon the human condition rather than merely using technological gimmicks to titillate. "Spin" follows the lives of 3 life-long friends as they cope with the fallout after the stars vanish from the night sky (it's obviously more complicated than that but I don't want to give anything away). The premise was intriguing and the main protaganist was well-developed and relatable. Personally, I thought the pacing of the book was a little inconsistent at times and I plodded through some sections. All in all I enjoyed the book and I'm recommending it to the many thousands of visitors to this blog.

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Scarlet Fever

The undefeated Scarlet Knights of Rutgers (#15) are playing one of the biggest football games in school history tonight against Loo-i-ville (#3). Since Rutgers bested Princeton in the first-ever intercollegiate football game (1869), I don't think it's fair to say this is THE BIGGEST GAME in the school's history. Also, in hyping this game, I've heard plenty of pundits refer to Rutgers as "little" - Rutgers is the state university of New Jersey. It has an enrollment of over 60,000. Maybe Rutgers doesn't have the football tradition of a Michigan, Penn State or Ohio State but, 60,000 is hardly little.

Here are a few famous Rutgers alumni to help you up onto the bandwagon tonight:

Bill Bellamy (out-of-work actor)
Calista Flockhart (peaked in 1998)
Kristin Davis (the "cute one" from Sex and the City - arbitrarily rated an 80 by AskMen.Com)
James Gandolfini (played a thug in the movie "True Romance")
Ruth Bader Ginsburg (her sorority pledge name was "Master" - all credit to BT)
Joyce Kilmer (treehugging liberal who wrote a poem)
Scott Paterson (has a minor role on the CW hit Gilmore Girls - not to be confused with the homicidal angler Scott Peterson)
Roy Scheider (his extensive body of work includes Jaws, 2010 and the watershed movie Blue Thunder)
Aaron Stanford (Pyro in X-Men movies)
David J. Stern (Absolute Master and Ruler of the NBA)
Philip Roth (although his degree is from Bucknell, he did attend Rutgers. This information is courtesy of a random internet page which I deemed reliable based on its impressively professional looking color scheme.)

As you can see the list of dignitaries, statesmen and celebrities who matriculated at (is this the right preposition?) Rutgers is lengthy indeed. Notably, many of the "actors" on the list have more than one entry on their IMDB page. So, tonight while you're enjoying the battle of unbeatens on ESPNHD, take comfort in the knowledge that the likes of Bill Bellamy, Calista Flockhart and Aaron Stanford probably have nothing better to do than watch the same game (that is unless the phone finally rings).

Life Equations

Going to the vending machine at work to pick up some Full Throttle* = Bad.

Going to the vending machine at work to pick up some Full Throttle on the way out the door because you are so tired that there is a considerable danger that you will fall asleep on your 40 minute drive home = Worse.

Going to the vending machine at work to pick up two cans of Full Throttle (one for the drive home and the other for the drive back to work, which will take place approximately 5 hours from the time of purchase of the Full Throttle), only to find that you don't have enough money to purchase the second can = Worse Yet.

Neglecting my posting duties here at the Spike = Worst of All.

I'll be back.






*Incidentally, according to their website, the slogan for Full Throttle is "Let Your Man Out." I don't even know where to start with that.