Law Briefs: Fat Tuesday Edition

Happy Fat Tuesday TGS readers. Hope you find a baby in your king cake. Fat Tuesday or "Mardi Gras" is celebrated around the world. It's one heck of a way to kick-off a religious season.

Here's a gratuitous pic from Brazil's Carnival! Not that I mind, but couldn't that dancer on the left even out her tan lines before sporting that "costume". She lives in Brazil. Don't they all sunbathe topless anyway?

Devil Inside Like all women we know, Bridget Moynahan has a serious evil streak. Seeing the writing on the wall regarding her impending break-up with the butt-chinned Tom Brady, she seduced him one last time and she pulled the keeper. I apologize for using a hockey metaphor in a football story but it's a Seinfeld reference - look it up. Didn't Brady learn anything from the Lou Gossett classic "An Officer and a Gentleman"? Despite playing for Boston, knocking up his ex-girlfriend and having a HUGE crevasse in his chin, clearly Brady has some degree of intelligence. (Golden Nugget: the aptly named Gisele Bundchen is from Brazil).

Here's some more of the Brady-Moynahan dirt courstesy of the NY Post:

"Bridget didn't even bother to tell him she was going to go public with this,"
said a friend [of Brady]. Some say that Moynahan, three months expectant with her first child, "may have gotten pregnant on purpose. She is 36, wanted a baby, and Tom was dumping her. It's a little suspicious." But a friend of Moynahan said,
"Please. They dated for three years and they broke up in December - right around
the time he found out she was pregnant and he immediately started dating Gisele
Bundchen. Who's the gross one here?"

Excellent use of the word "gross" by Moynahan's friend. That kind of clever vocabulary in break-up situations like this really transports us back to high school. Ah, the good ol' days... Hope Brady got his varsity jacket back.

Rubbin' is Racin' For the first time EVER , I watched part of a NASCAR race this Sunday (not counting Days of Thunder, which I've seen 14 times). I was on the treadmill at the gym and couldn't find anything else to watch. I've never been much inclined to spend 4 hours watching hillbillies make left turns, but this Daytona 500 delivered the goods. There was good competition, a satisfying number of wrecks and a photo finish. It definitely helped that the photo finish looked exactly like the finish of the final race in Day of Thunder. I'm not saying I'll be watching NASCAR races every Sunday until football starts back up, but I'll admit this race has piqued my interest.

SIRIUS Merger XM and Sirius satellite radio have announced that they will attempt to merge the two companies. As an XM subscriber, I'm tickled by the prospect - I'll get Stern and O&A, MLB and NFL plus all the commercial-free music I can stand. Hope they can sell the Federalis on this merger idea.

And now, some more pics from Carnival... What?!? I'm just showing appreciation for different cultures. Don't be so provincial! (I'm glad they don't parade many dudes around in banana hammocks.)

Tribute Rappers

Last Saturday night was Dave Law's XXXth birthday (I'm still riding the SuperBowl wave so I'm sticking w/ roman numerals) and we celebrated in true Jersey fashion by crossing the river into NYC to see a Bruce Springsteen cover band - Bruce in the USA (not to be confused with The B Street Band). The show was fantastic and somewhere between my 5th Michelob Ultra and 10th Birthday shot, I was struck with a brilliant business idea. I guess my inner-entrepreneur doesn't drink as much as I do. It occurred to me that we just don't see rap tribute "bands" or impersonators!

How could a road show featuring Tupac and Biggie impersonators fail?

What could possibly go wrong?

I have supreme confidence in my ability to sell such an act in New York, Vegas, and South Beach. So, next month TGS will be holding open auditions, American Idol-style (I get to be Simon), to cast this act.

SBXLI II (longest post ever)

After 2 days of chipping aways at this post, here are more pics from Dave Law's trip to SuperBowl XLI

Official NFL Pre-Party on Saturday night (cont. from PART I)

Here's Blondie looking like she's literally about to die on stage of old age at the aforementioned NFL pre-party. You've got to love the personal style of that cowgirl from Chicago in the foreground.

Ring from the NY Giants' second SuperBowl victory - tastefully designed.

Ring from the Patriots 3rd SuperBowl victory - obnoxiously large and gaudy - not entirely unlike many Mass-holes I know.

Dave Law cases the ring display and passes out shortly thereafter.

* * *

GAME DAY

The official NFL Tailgate was just as decadent as the NFL Pre-Party on Saturday. There were just as many open bars (all top shelf) at the tailgate as there were at the Saturday night party as well as self-service ice baths (which were continuously being replenished with good beer), wine stations and frozen drink bars (not the best day for a frozen drink, but fun nonetheless). As you can see by the flat-screens behind the pseudo-asian/possibly Hawaiian bartender, the NFL kept with the "throw-back" entertainment at the Tailgate. That's Stevie Nicks up there crooning about a landslide or something. Chris Isaak also performed (or so I'm told).

The paella line was at least 20 midwestern rubes deep, but man was it worth the wait. That chef sure could sling paella.

More NFL Tailgate scenery. Note the carpets, pool tables and lounge furniture. This is all in a parking lot at Dolphins stadium.

* * *

GAME TIME

After Stevie Nicks finished her set (which included way too many unfamiliar "new" songs, i.e., anything after 1982), it was time to enter the Stadium. We had already passed through security on the way into the Tailgate so we had no further impediments between us and the game. I processed this nugget of information and formulated a plan to address my substantial first-half drinking needs. On our way out of the Tailgate and into the stadium, we hit one of the self-service beer baths and loaded Lisa's bag up with some road sodas. Once planted in our seats we didn't have to move again or wait on any beer lines until half-time.

Many fans of TGS who are being introduced to Lisa for the first time through this post may wonder how an average Joe like me is dating a girl as beautiful as Lisa. One answer is my inspired genius in situations like the official NFL Tailgate. (a more elaborate answer includes a dissertation on the many ways I am in fact above average - I'll spare you). Lisa was easily one of the better looking women at the SuperBowl. Plus it's in a setting where there was probably only 1 woman for every 3 guys. In the future I will post on my various strategies for defending my "territory" in social situations which are characterized by a high male-to-female ratio such as sporting events. Needless to say, I had to play a lot of defense. I'm calling on the NFL to hire better-looking female bartenders (see Hawaii 5-0 above) to distract more men and make my job easier.

These pictures give a pretty good indication of how close to the field we actually were. The seats were in Row 13 at about the 35 yard line. Nice ... (read that last word in the voice of Borat)

That girl with Lisa is Colleen, our host from the Buffalo Bills. She couldn't have been nicer or more accomodating. Whenever TGS meets someone from upstate NY, they're warmth reminds TGS of why we never froze while being trained as IVY LEAGUE LAWYERS in the tundra that is Ithaca, NY. Our entire row was filled with folks from the Bills organization. (Golden Nugget: Bills owner Ralph Wilson is an alum of Dave Law's fraternity at UVA.)

Jim Kelly was sitting 3 seats to my right. Having been drinking all day, my teeth began to float right around half-time. The seal was about to be broken. After that I could be getting up every 10 minutes or so (assuming I kept up my torrid drinking pace). I became concerned about how to pass in front of an NFL dignitary and Bills Hall of Famer Jim Kelly. I was faced with the enduring question for sports fans and frequent flyers - ass or crotch? Do I face Mr. Kelly as I pass, thereby showing him my junk, or do I face away from him and show him my backside? Mind you, I was absolutely soaked by the rain and my jeans were clinging to me. At this point, I was too drunk to come up with an answer on my own so I texted my brother and BT to seek their advice.

BT's response: "Start a Hostetler chant!" BT - ever the NFL Historian.

Mike's response: "Ask him to show you his SuperBowl ring. Oh wait! He never won."

No help there. Thanks guys.

CBS stage which collapsed onto itself once the game started. Very cool.

Chris Collinsworth (black cap) was sitting 2 rows in front of us. I was honored to be so close to "greatness". (How do you type sarcasm again?).

The Piano Man singing our National Anthem. The original "She's-With-Him?!?" guy, Billy shared some of tips for defending his territory during the '80s. Of course, his marriage to Christie Brinkley failed, then karma bit her in that sweet little keester of hers when her fourth husband cheated on her with this innocent, 19-year old girl.

Pictures from the Cirque du Soleil pre-game show which can only be described as "faggy".

Kick-off! Famously returned for a touchdown by Devin Hester. That's right, the same SOB who returned a missed field goal for a touchdown against the Giants. I'm not bitter. That runback really fired up the crowd.

Some gratuitous pics of Prince's half-time show.

Final score Indianapolis Colts 29, Chicago Bears 17

The Highly Anticipated and Much Ballyhooed SuperBowl XLI Post

That's right gang, Dave Law attended SuperBowl XLI in Florida. Sorry for the delay in posting but I spent most of the week trying to spend the singles I had leftover from the Miami gentleman's clubs.

Anyway, thanks to Dave Law's SuperBowl sponsors - Lisa Girlfriend, JetBlue Airways and the Buffalo Bills - all accomodations were absolutely first rate. Even our seats for the game were fantastic - 13 rows up from the field at about the 35 yard line. These were the best seats I've ever had for an NFL game and it was the SuperBowl! Too bad the actual football was so mediocre. It had the potential to be a classic, the weather favored the underdog Bears and they should have won (thereby saving Dave Law tons of money pride at bodog.com the 'Meat). Unfortunately, rumor has it that Sexy Rexy was apparently out boozing until 3AM at Rolexx on South Beach and managed to screw the game up pretty good.

Enough of my poorly informed sports analysis. Without further ado, here come the pics (with limited commentary)

Dave and Lisa at the "Official" NFL Pre-Party on Saturday night. This party featured the fresh sounds of New Edition, REO Speedwagon and Blondie (who I think was hooked up to a ventilator). Those groovey medals were our "tickets".

Dave Law at the same NFL party (ergo the medals) with some random fans of TGS who recognized him and demanded a picture. I forget their names, but here's their blog. It offers commentary on the weekend from the perspective of a nutcase woman.

I have to admit that despite the entertainment (which was fun in a campy way) the NFL throws a great party - open bars every 100 feet or so, souvenir tickets, great buffets and fireworks.

Well it's 5 O'clock on a Friday so I'll have to continue this post at a later time... Probably tomorrow while I'm aimlessly waiting for house-hunters to come by my condo (which is for sale by the way). Even if somone shows, they probably won't have the stones to make an offer and even if they make an offer the probably won't qualify for a mortgage. Such is the life of a Real Estate mogul. Hasta Manana (picked that up in Miami).

PART II

ACC Standings

Atlantic Coast Conference
TEAM CONF W-L TOTAL W-L
Virginia 8-2 16-6
Boston College 7-2 16-6
North Carolina 6-2 20-3
Virginia Tech 6-3 16-7
Duke 5-4 18-5
Florida State 5-4 17-6
Clemson 4-5 18-5
Georgia Tech 4-6 15-8
Maryland 3-6 17-7
North Carolina State 3-6 13-9
Miami (FL) 2-7 9-14
Wake Forest 2-8 11-12

SBXLI post to come later this week after I finish digging myself out of my hole at work.

Thunderreport: A Bit Disappointed

As you can tell by this post's title and accompanying picture*, yesterday's San Francisco half marathon didn't go quite as smoothly as I'd hoped. But it wasn't a total failure. Basically, there's good news and bad news (and good news):

The good news: I finished without walking, which was my stated goal for the race.

The bad news: I was slow. Very slow. As in, possibly the slowest finisher to run continuously. My final time was 2:29:05.

The good news: I gave myself a nice high first time, upon which I should be able to improve throughout the year.

(The other good news: The inimitable Lil' Thunder clocked in at roughly 2:03.)

Here's the report: Normally, my report would start on the morning of the race, but the first important events happened on Saturday. For whatever reason, my sleep schedule was a bit off, and on Saturday afternoon, I took a nap. When I got up (and joined Lil' Thunder for a disappointing meal at the highly recommended Zuppa), my back started bothering me for the first time in months. I must have slept in an awkward position, and it was the kind of back pain that really jolts you if you move in the wrong direction. A bad omen.

With the alarm set for 5:30, I turned in at about 10:45, hoping for a solid 6.5 hours of sleep. But it was not to be. My back had me tossing and turning (and - once I finally fell asleep - waking up repeatedly) all night. Despite this, I felt pretty refreshed in the morning. Unfortunately, the back was no better.

Due to an overabundence of caution, the Thunders rolled up to the start line a little more than an hour before the gun. We killed the hour by doing what we do best - making fun of people. For some reason, runners are a goofy bunch, so they are usually easy targets. No coffee, though, which was a major negative, as it was fricken freezing. We waited, shivering, for the race to start. LT promised that she'd stick with me for the beginning of the race. The gun went off, and she zipped out of sight.

The start was horrendous. It was freezing cold, and we had been standing still for at least 15 minutes just waiting. Plus, I had been totally unable to loosen up my back. As we started our way up to normal speed, I felt roughly 95 years old. Every joint felt like it was made of concrete, my back was sending jolting pains through my body every fourth or fifth step, and all of the sudden my bladder was inexplicably full. After a quick sprint into the woods to fix my only easily-correctable problem, I rejoined the slowpokes and started banking the miles.

From the very start, I realized that Jimmy the Greek was full of sh*t. I was not gonna hit 2:16. The first miles were well over 11:00, and though my legs weren't fully warmed up until at least the 4th mile, I knew that I wouldn't be shaving off enough time to hit 2:16. I settled back to hoping for my actual (logical) goal of 2:24 or so. My back pains, however, continued until about the 5th mile. More importantly, I just didn't have "it" yesterday. When I was finally warm, I ran a few sub-11:00 miles (whoopdedoo), but it was way more of an effort than it should have been.

An aside about the course: our route was about perfect. The first 7 miles were through Golden Gate park. Very scenic, largely flat or even downhill, and certainly the only time I've run past a bison paddock. Then, runners are spit out of the park and onto the Great Highway, running along the Pacific for 3 miles south and then back. The out-and-back nature of that portion allowed me to spot Lil' Thunder bouncing cheerfully back toward the finish line, seemingly unaware of the 11+ miles of torture that she had already delivered to her legs.

I think that the fact that the faster runners were just feet away made me try to run faster. I was also passing some runners (OK, some chubby old ladies), which gave me some motivation to try and improve on my relative standing. This energy burst continued until about the 9th mile, when it magically disappeared.

Once I hit mile 10, I just wanted to finish. I had no energy left, and the temptation of walking was great. But my one goal was to keep running, and I did. These miles went very slowly, as the times indicate. As I was passing the 12 mile marker, I took inventory. I felt like total crap, but I went though my body parts one by one, and realized that nothing was feeling too bad. My knees were both a little sore, my back was worn out, my feet were tender, and my calf wasn't feeling normal. But nothing was really yelling at me. My quads and hamstrings felt fine. I was just low on energy. So I tried to increase my pace a bit, and lo and behold, it wasn't that bad. So I decided to push through the last 1.1 mile with all I had.

I turned off the Great Highway, back into the park, and realized that this would take whatever energy was left. The only significant uphill on the course was from about mile 12.5 to mile 13.0. About halfway up, I planted my right foot, and a shot of pain seared the entire back of my body. My knee buckled, and I almost bit it right there. But I regained my balance, and kept working my way up the hill. At the top, I saw Lil' Thunder cheering. She assured me that it was all downhill from there, which it was. I coasted in at 2:29:05. It took almost everything out of me. I'm disappointed, and a bit embarrassed, by the time. But hey, I met my main goal. Here are the splits:


Mile 1 11:53 11:53 (pee break)
Mile 2 11:28 23:21
Mile 3 11:28 34:50
Mile 4 11:06 45:57
Mile 5 11:10 57:07 (another pee break - yes, I know)
Mile 6 10:39 1:07:46
Mile 7 10:57 1:18:43
Mile 8 10:56 1:29:40
Mile 9 11:14 1:40:54
Mile 10 11:26 1:52:20
Mile 11 11:57 2:04:18
Mile 12 11:55 2:16:14
Mile 13.1 12:51 2:29:05 (11:41/mile)

Overall Avg 11:23/mile


Sigh. Now what?

Well, I actually think I'm right on track. Had it been a good day, I probably could have run about 2:24 or 2:25. And the fact is that I just haven't trained all that much. Well under 3 months of training, after over a year of no running. My next race will be May 12 in Oakland. That means that I will have a full 3 months of training (on top of where I am right now). As I mentioned earlier, my mileage will be increased. I'll also add in speedwork, to help increase my tempo. As of today, my stated goal for that race will be a more realistic 2:19. That said, I'm hoping to increase my pace enough to try for a sub 2:15 run. Anyhow, the only thing I can do is get better. And I will.







*Note: the above picture is not of Big Thunder, but actually of Mary Decker following her disastrous fall at the hands of Zola Budd in the 3,000 meter race in the 1984 Olympics. Duh.

TGS Presents: Great Moments in Wikipedia

The Big Two (like Stephen Colbert) are great fans of Wikipedia. Where else can you learn about pretty much everything in one place? We love whiling away the hours clicking through the links.

Of course, a big part of what makes Wikipedia great is that anyone can edit the entries. There is a small volunteer army of Wikipedians who spend seemingly endless amounts of time writing and editing. With over 1.6 million English articles, however, some entries slip through the cracks, and random one-liners catch you off guard. Still other times, you come across legitimate information, or even entire entries, that unintentionally entertain. When you stumble across one of these humorous gems, you've experienced a Great Moment in Wikipedia.

And so, TGS is proud to present the first three in a recurring series of GMWs.

• Karrine Steffens: Ms. Steffens has already lived a remarkable life in her 27 years on this mortal coil. The former main squeeze of Bill Maher and Bobby Brown (quite a resume) made her name as a hip hop dancer. But its how she made her nickname (and the nickname itself) that truly makes this entry a Great Moment in Wikipedia.
• The Mermaid Problem: Has anyone ever heard of this? Its just ... well, its ... I mean, I never really ... well, ... just wow. That's a Great Moment in Wikipedia.
• Stuart Scott: I admit that this one is a blatant ripoff from the comments at Deadspin.com, but it is just too good to pass up. Check out Stu's interests at the bottom of the first paragraph. Booyah!

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More Friday bullet points for yo bad self:

• An update to Wednesdays Thunderupdate (making it a Thunderupdateupdate?): The weight loss tally is now at 14.5 pounds. Holla!
• Dave Law will be hitting the sandy beaches of Miami this weekend for the big game. Expect (and demand) pictures next week!
• Big and Lil' Thunder will be dining tonight on what is unquestionably the best pizza in San Francisco. Be jealous!
• Its funny cuz its true!
• Classic!