Dave Raw

Not being nearly as creative as the Thunderous one, I'm predicting most of my posts will be firmly grounded in my own experience. A lack of creativity and I've got a HUGE ego!

Today I've been marinating in my own funk because I crashed at my parents' house last night and didn't have my underarm deoderant. This seems like an obvious cause-effect relationship. I didn't apply deoderant this morning therefore I stink. But I was completely blindsided by it. I so infrequently forget deoderant that I forgot I had such a rank natural smell. Everyone in my parents' household uses stick deoderant (like me) so there was no way I was going to borrow someone else's. Even with family members, there's something exceedingly nasty about sharing stick deoderant. Personally, the idea of sharing stick deoderant is more disgusting to me than the idea of sharing a toothbrush.

Back in high school I used to keep an overnight survival kit in my car. The high school survival kit consisted of several different bottles of cologne (so I had options available dependeing on my mood); a new toothbrush; binaca; chapstick; aerosol deoderant; tissues in the glove box; and a baseball bat (I never played baseball, but was paranoid about getting into fights everywhere I went. I never got into one fight). Over ten years and 3 cars later, the kit has been reduced to stolen napkins from Dunkin' Donuts and a single bottle of cologne in the glovebox. This is ironic b/c in high school I never crashed anywhere. I had a strict curfew and pretty much followed it. Now I can and do crash everywhere, but have no kit.

So this is the survival kit I'm assembling for the 20-something bachelor I've become:

1) Cologne - something neutral and light. Maybe Polo Sport or this Armani cologne my parents brought back from Italy for me.

2) Deoderant - An aerosol can so friends can share if necessary.

3) Breath mints - Binaca would be fine too. I haven't seen a tube of binaca in 10 years though. Do they still make it?

4) Tooth brush

5) Necktie - "It's better to be over dressed than under dressed. " Hey, cliches are accurate sometimes (so are stereotypes and rash generalizations, but that's for another post)

I'll leave the baseball bat at home. These days I've got Big Bertha in the trunk.

ThunderLinks

These links are so freshly hatched that they haven't even been sexed yet.

• On the off chance you haven't seen ... or couldn't infer from the overwhelming evidence, Lance Bass had an announcement today. He should have announced that his eyes appear to be a little bit uneven. Look close.
• Speaking of gay, Sports Illustrated did a series on how some college football teams bond over the summers. Take a good look at the slide show for Troy University (if you think that nothing can top #5 or #7, well, get a load of #8). That is one fabulous football team.
• Over in the Garden State, police found a nude dancer who has human skulls and other remains in her house. A little strange, sure. But the key to this story is the response from Ira Weiner, attorney for her strip club. Weiner was quick to point out that "Hott 22 does not knowingly hire mass murderers."
• Apparently, Dave Law has recently paid a visit to Slate Hill, NY. Though the news itself is humorous, the victim of the crime is described as "doing a slow, sad burn." That just tickles me. As far as I know, I've only ever seen one person do a slow burn.
• In a way, I want to salute the gentleman in the next link, but he's guilty by association. The father of Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman was arrested for having sex with a 38 year old woman in his car outside a pizzeria. Unfortunately, Norm Sr. is guilty by association, having produced his evil son who barely waited until his political rival's body had cooled after a tragic plane crash before declaring himself "a 99% improvement over Paul Wellstone." The reasoning? His views were more in line with President Bush's. Nice. (Sorry DL, I'll try to stay off the politics. No more criticism of Dear Leader).

• And the final link is extra Thunderous, as it is a combo of a link and a song recommendation. The song is by Del Amitri, that's right, the tool who made that craptastic "Roll to Me." Anyhow, he sang a ballad called "Tell Her This" that is the antithesis of "Roll to Me." Anyhow, the song is great in every way except one - one lyric: "Tell her something in my heart / needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd." Wait, WTF? Clowns? You're singing a song, trying to get a lovely honey to make nice, and you mention clowns? That shit ain't right. Anycrap, the reason I bring it up is this gem.

Alright, that's it for your faithful correspondent. I'm heading over to Dave Law's coast for the weekend. Hopefully some piping hot OC (Original Content) will be served up on Sunday night or Monday.

Doink!

The Unofficial First Post (since the official first post was a pun about oral sex)

[Don't be misled by the title -- most of our posts will be puns about oral sex.]

Welcome future Spiketards! This is (unofficially) our introductory post where we ... introduce ... The Golden Spike.

It all started with a dream. Way back in early this afternoon, Dave Law and I were emailing. I said "I want to be like the youngsters. I want to be a weblogger!"

Dave Law said, "Follow your dream, and I'll always be right behind you!"

I said, "Dude, that sounded so gay."

And so, a new blog was born. The first step on our path to superblogstardum was to find a name. I thought to myself, "Big Thunder, Dave Law is in Jersey, and you are in Cali." (I often think to myself in the third person) This muthafucka is gonna be transcontinental! So I emailed my idea to DL -- "Transcontinental Minutiae." Can you tell I'm a lawyer?

Dave Law shot back almost instantaneously with "The Golden Spike," a "reference to the joining of the coasts that's also a BAD sexual pun." (That is truly the quote) You see, I'm more the idea guy, while he is the execution guy.

A quick aside for those of you who didn't graduate grade school: The Golden Spike is a reference to the last spike driven into the Transcontinental Railroad, connecting east with west. The railroad was supported principally by four western railroad magnates known as "The Big Four." Therefore, Dave Law and I are to be known collectively as "The Big Two."

And so, a legend was born, and a generation of future Spiketards are unwittingly affected by the witty charm of two regular Joes (well, IVY LEAGUERS, but still in touch with the common man) and their laptops.

So let's get the basics down. This is my mission statement for TGS. These are the types of posts I imagine we'll have:

• Funny news stories, photos, videos, and other funny internet links
• Personal stories and anecdotes
• Reviews and opinions on tv shows, movies, books, music, etc.
• Some sports content
• Discussion of other general leisure topics -- vacation destinations, cars, poker, clothes
• Possibly some location-specific posts, such as discussion of things to do, places to eat and drink, and things to see in San Francisco and North Jersey

You know -- a blog. Aside from that, there are two other types of post that may make this blog unique.

First, I am a believer in the force of peer pressure. Therefore, I think the blog could be a good tool for self-improvement. I'm considering using it to track my progress as I work to achieve goals - losing weight, running another half marathon, writing a novel, etc.

Along the lines of that last goal, I'm also considering using TGS as a place to publish some creative writing - humor along the lines of that found in McSweeney's, possibly short stories, and maybe even excerpts from my next novel.

I'm also expecting Dave Law to chime in often, usually with stories about himself.

All that said, I think we'll be quite amused when we look back at this post in 2 years, after the Spike has turned into the world's foremost blog on model ceramic lighthouses. That Barbara bitch is going down.

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OK, I'll start with the first content now, a music recommendation. Check out "Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. Izzy K was this ginormously huge Hawaiian dude who made this ridiculously soulful Hawaiian / ukelele / luau type of music. The song is a medley of two classics, and it makes you feel like you are on the beach. Get it from itunes, stat.

I just blue myself!

Dr. Tobias Funke