Retina Burn (Supp.)

[Ed. Note: this post was drafted prior to Dave Law's mention of the same subject in the post below. Big Thunder regrets any repetitive Spiking, but he spent too much time drafting this to not publish.]


Here at the Spike, we try not to rehash news stories that everyone has heard about many times over, but this one is too much. As I'm sure you've heard, a guy named John Mark Karr was arrested for killing JonBenet Ramsey. You can read the details elsewhere, but my question is this. Have you seen pictures of this dude? Those eyes? Those eyes! They haunt! Is there any way the this guy hasn't killed a six year old girl? I mean, just look at him.

How is it that the following scene never played out?


The scene: The Boulder police department, late 1990s-early 2000s. Seargeant's office. In walk two detectives dressed in short-sleeve button down shirts and what appear to be clip-on ties. They sit across the desk from the sargeant, who is wearing a tweed sportcoat.

Boulder Police Sargeant (slightly balding, pushbroom mustache, drinks a lot of coffee): Do you have any suspects?

Young Detective (fresh out of police academy, distractingly handsome, either (i) naively idealistic, or (ii) a rebel against all superiors. I'm gonna go with the latter for the sake of this scene): Yeah, we got suspects. The father did it. Case closed, old man.

BPS: Hmmm... That is a likely story. Keep looking at that one. But is there anything else? Let's not overlook anyone.

Middle Aged Detective (Early 40s, knows office politics, nerdy, preferably a minority): Well, we're checking on the older brother. And the mother too.

BPS: OK, I agree that the family is a good place to focus, but what about outside the family? School? The neighborhood?

YD (temper beginning to flare): Don't be ridiculous, Sarge, we got it under control!

BPS: Settle down, Malone. [ed. note: YD is named Malone] We're on the same team. Now, are there any neighbors or schoolteachers with "crazy eyes?"

MAD: ... Come to think of it, there is a neighbor who looks exactly like a child molester.

BPS: Does he have three names?

YD (bolting out of his chair): DAMMIT SARGE! YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!

BPS: Malone, what the hell are you talking about?

MAD (after calming YD down): ... Now that you mention it, I think he does have three names.

BPS: Uh-huh. And where is he now?

MAD (starting to fidget in his chair): He left town.

BPS (frowning): And where did he go?

MAD (after a nervous sideways glance at his partner): Um, to the place that is the center of the world's child sex trade.

BPS: ... And he's not a suspect?

Detectives : *nervous silence*

BPS: Listen guys, there have been some stoners smoking the pot in the park recently. I'm gonna have to take you off the Ramsey case. I really need you to help put an end to Boulder's marijuana problem...



Its not only the eyes. Or the three names. Its the the fact that he weighs 88 pounds and wears his pants at armpit level. Only two populations fit that description: people who know pi to the seventeenth digit and people who have killed a six year old in her basement. Not that those two populations are exclusive (I'd draw a Ven diagram if I had the time).


After writing this post, I feel like I need to take a shower. I feel that my best bet is to follow again follow in the footsteps of DL, and go Biel all up on this Spike.

Ahhhhh...